In Case You Need Someone Else

I have lived here forever.

In the C.S. Lewis book, The Magician’s Nephew, there’s this scene that I think about all the time. The main character, Diggory, enters this place he later calls “the room within worlds.” He is not really looking for any magical place, but instead he is looking for his friend, Polly. But there is magic all around him. It’s a waiting room. Adventures lie beyond this place. His friend is there. He sees her, but he doesn’t leave. Leaving never crosses his mind.

I feel like I have been in a place like that. I feel like I have been waiting. I think that probably you, whoever you are, have been to this place as well. The endless March. It was March last year when everything disappeared. It is March again, and not much has changed. In some ways, I can’t leave it. In some ways, I just… don’t.

In the story, there’s something about the place, when Diggory ends up there. It’s magical effects takes all of his attention, and he’s just in this fog of awe, wonder, and defensiveness. He thinks to himself that if anyone would have asked him, he would say that he had lived there forever. It’s probably not that he liked it there so much, but that it profoundly distracted him. It was a fog that penetrated his very soul. He couldn’t see anything beyond what was right in front of him. His friend Polly had to tell him that he’s not really from that place before he could move on. Further adventures awaited them both.

I know how he felt. Every morning, I am always thinking about the end of the day. Every Monday, I am always thinking about Friday.

I teach. We are in Distance learning. I hate distance learning. I cannot wait until things get back to normal. I don’t remember normal. I vaguely remember that I didn’t like that either. I can’t meet with friends. I can’t wait until this crazy pandemic is over, so I can…

…honestly, I didn’t I spend much time with people before all this either.

I have always, always lived in this place.

I isolated myself long before it was required by the CDC. It’s this room between worlds that fogs up everything except what is directly in front of me. I’m probably depressed. I’m probably a lot of things. I just can’t see all the things I am.

I’ve actually been depressed for most of my life. Now that I’m an adult, it’s possible to put a name on it. It’s a lot easier to figure out when you know the signs. The constant exhaustion, lack of motivation, and the inability to get out of bed on many mornings. The social isolation, the anxiety, the feeling that your actions will not change your outcome. The feeling that you have always lived in this place.

Creating helps.

Staying busy helps.

Forcing myself to talk to other people helps.

But here’s what really helps:

“I have always lived here” is a lie. This place you’ve found yourself in is dark magic. You haven’t been here forever. In fact, you’ve only just arrived. This is the room within worlds. It’s a waiting room. Adventures lie beyond this place.

Sometimes, you just need someone else to tell you.